I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
