You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
whose parrot is this?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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