dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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