I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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