Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
