Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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