Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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