Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
