and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize