i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
