my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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