there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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