my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
