Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
