I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
