what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
