I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
