I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
