As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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