I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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