Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
