Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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