im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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