she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
