i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
