On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
