Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
