that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
