What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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