remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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