Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
