This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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