There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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