We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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