Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
