somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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