I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
