I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
