Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
