Do you still have your period?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
