This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
