Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
