just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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