Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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