This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
