That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I came so hard my ears popped.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
