shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So vagazzling was a success
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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