I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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