Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
