Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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