everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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