We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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