Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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