Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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