Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
