i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
