I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
