If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
