Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
