We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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